N. V. Dust's Blog

Strength or Weakness

N. V. Dust — Fri, 16 Mar 2012 08:07:06 +0000

It isn’t our Strengths that make us significant, but what we do with our Weaknesses. This thought came to me the other day. I had attended a workshop designed to help me improve my clientele and a woman approached me afterward to ask about a picture. We talked briefly and I was prompted to ask when the last time she had cried was. Of course I felt the answer before I asked, but it was for her and not me. She said, well just last week, but before then I don’t know. She got the picture she wanted and off I went without a second thought. Two days later came an email entitled: A time to cry... She wondered about my inquiry. I replied: That which we seek to hide is often the most exposed. A snapshot at any moment in our lives reveals (our lives) utterly and completely, if we choose to be present enough to see it in others. The wound that we think make us unique and different winds up being that which unites us in similarity. But what are we doing with those “weaknesses” those “flaws” and those “traumas”? If we seek to hide them from the world, they end up ruling our every action. They become ubiquitous in our every deed and define our reality unbeknownst to us. They are bolstered and augmented by our apathy and silence. They quietly play puppet-master to our lives. We have a choice in this of course, though it may seem like the “weak” thing to do. I am reminded again by an axiom that has cropped up a few times this month. “The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.” I’m not interested in the origins, or whether the devil exists, but for this example the idea of a negative force in the Universe is aptly put. The greatest trick these thought forms, energies, of belief systems perform is making us believe that they don’t exist, that they aren’t a big deal, and that we can stuff them down and ignore them. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain! And we often do; we let them rule us while we sit idly by and do nothing except pretend that everything is all right.

I’m done pretending. If my wounds are so readily visible in every relationship I destroy, every feeling of inadequacy, every word I speak, I may as well be honest with myself and acknowledge their existence. When I choose to do this, they lose their control over me. I take my power back. I face them with courage and gallantry and they transform into my greatest tools. They help me unite others under the same banner, that of our pain. By speaking to my wounds, I in turn give others the courage to speak to theirs, releasing themselves from the manacles they too, wear. Just like the playground bully who thrives on fear and silence and is diminished by the one person who stands up to him, these thoughts, these hurts, can also be quelled. We can heal our lives by simply choosing to face these things we’ve so long despised and cowered from in ourselves. The time is now.

When are you going to stand up to the bully your mind has become?

Back from the Dead

N. V. Dust — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 20:28:52 +0000

Well hello everyone! It has been almost a year since my last post, and for good reason. I have been a midst some extreme internal transformation. The man I was a year ago is hardly recognizable in the mirror today (though I assure you, the awesome beard is still intact). I have given up some things in my life that were no longer necessary; things that I valued highly and considered a mark of my progress and success. I’ve come to find out that no matter what I owned or who I was in a relationship with or what I was making, I still missed MY mark of success. This is because I was seeking external validation of my success. I was trying to prove to my (dead) Father that I was worth something, that I had value.

How many of us are living our lives trying to prove to our parents, that we have value, that we’re worth something? Waiting on their approval until we feel like we are.

Heavy stuff for my first blogpost in almost a year.

I urge you to take a look at what your definition of success is and why you’re still missing it. Or better yet, are you happy? When will you be enough. When will you allow yourself to see your true value and not make it contingent upon someone or something. Love yourself. Today, tomorrow and for the rest of your life. Much love to you all in the New Year.

What kind of extremes are you willing to endure to follow your Dreams?

N. V. Dust — Fri, 11 Feb 2011 03:22:28 +0000

This question popped into my head as I was having a conversation with Horus. (For the avenging god of the Egyptians, he’s really a gentle Spirit) The question stopped me alive in my tracks. I had a moment of clarity. This week past (ending Monday) had been a rough one. Questioning my path again. Worrying over the small stuff (like manifesting my Will) and fretting over the lack of guidance I was receiving. I’ve had a few moments of doubt over the last year or so about following my True Will, my Spiritual Path, my Higher Self, my HGA, etc. Not like this, however, I felt paralyzed and confused, utterly hopeless and crestfallen. Dark Night of the Soul stuff. I was thinking that maybe I had been deceived the entire time and that what I should be doing was working in a refinery, something familiar and reliable. Something that made me miserable.

The infernal “Why” came to mind. We all know what happens when we start asking ourselves that. “Why isn’t this working, Why am I not getting the responses that I need, Why is this sooooo difficult” etc. We get stuck in why and can no longer move forward. Stuck with ”Why” and his bastard son “Because”. Lame.

It ended Monday. I stopped asking and started doing. Hell, I even started being. I felt better. Back to my new self again. Connected. This week I’ve been sinking further into that, even enlisting help along the Way.

As I was driving home from the Redbox and the convenience store (sating my voracious consumption of Diet Pepsi) I began a conversation with my good pal Horus. He is my co-pilot on all my adventures in my car. He rocks good tunes and smites the shitty drivers that I come across along my journeys. Well, at least we have a good chuckle together about how I do the same shit driving I bitch about others doing. So we talked. It consisted of him being pleased for the exchange of energy and telling me to keep moving forward. And that Gonorrhea will go away eventually. Wait, no he didn’t say that. I jest. He did ask me to quietly sit with myself and read what was written on the Sword of Truth. It read: “What kind of extremes are you willing to endure to follow your Dreams.”

Fuck all, I thought. profound. Thank you Horus. I know what kind of extremes I was willing to endure to stay in my addiction, to stay convinced that I was happy and not miserable, to live a lie. Am I just as willing on the other side of the Spectrum? To go to the extremes necessary to Manifest my Dreams? To endure? The answer is a resounding YES. We often think it is so tough to heal, to follow dreams, to find your soul-mate or whatever. The Truth is, just the opposite is the verity. That it is tough to live in addiction, that it is difficult to remain “sick”, that it is hopeless to not follow your Dreams. What kind of life are we living if it is founded on a lie?

We know what kind of extremes we will endure to stay miserable. What kind of extremes are you willing to go to when it comes to your Happiness?

The Heart: Power and Freedom

N. V. Dust — Fri, 21 Jan 2011 06:10:06 +0000

Today, like most Thursdays, I went up to work horses with a good friend of mine (a very prominent figure in my life and one of the most intuitive people I know). It began like most days, though I was unable to work with Thunder as his foot was sore from stepping on a harrow. Walking slowly in the corral to round-up the horses we planned on using that day I said to Dee, “Hey let’s work with Bolt since we can’t work with Thunder.” He had other ideas, and I’m glad he did.

That’s me: work was on my mind. Work the horses, work with clients, work with meditation; hell I could turn eating Cookies into work. Dee suggested we try to refine my riding skills a little more and use a horse that knew the signals. See, Thunder and I are both fairly new to this professional riding thing, and Thunder is new to riding all together. Dee taught me, and I trained him (I bet I learned more from Thunder than he learned from me), I even took him on his first ride a few months back. Shasta, (the head of the herd) on the other hand is very well-trained and responds quite easily to the smallest signals. Horse riding is all about delicacy, about seeking refinement and about getting more with less. Sound familiar?

A little back story: Over the past year or so, I’ve got the opportunity to work with Dee and his fine animals, learning from him, absorbing his seemingly infinite wisdom about horses, life, recovery, intuition and how to be morally correct. Gleaning from the horses how to be present, open, honest, trusting and trustworthy. How I approach and work with the Horse is how I approach and work with my life. At least that’s Dee’s theory. I completely agree. (not that it doesn’t still shock me when Dee asks me “What in your life are you trying to control so desperately?”)

We worked the horses (the French term is Dressage) shoulder in, hip in etc. against the wall for twenty minutes or so before Dee decided that we should just go on a ride. It was too beautiful of a day to be working inside anyway. Off we went down the road, crisp Winter air in our lungs, the Sun on our backs. Just two friends on two beautiful horses. We walked and talked. Discussed the good things in life and the joys of living it. I was beginning to relax, to let go. Today didn’t have to be about work, it could be about Love if I didn’t push too hard. At the end of the road we cut off into a field to circle back around, the horses were feeling frisky and chomping at the bit.

As we walked further in the field, I loosened up my grip (I still have to think I have control, the signals are all in the feet) and the horses took that as their queue to let loose themselves. We rode for a good five-hundred feet and then met back up. Talked more. About Freedom and Power, how over the last year I’ve been able to stand more and more in my Power and about having the Freedom to do that. Tears were welling up in me, the Joy was almost too much. My Heart felt like a freight-train pounding in my chest. Power and Freedom. Horse Medicine.

We walked further and further in the field, horses still wanting to push their limits. Dee points to a far off mound of dirt and says: “Let’s let them run there.” I thought I had pushed Shasta pretty hard the last time; I was wrong in the most blissful of ways. I posted and she ran as fast as I’ve been on a horse in twenty years. A smile on my face from ear to ear, my Heart screaming: “Oh my God, this is AMAZING! Let go of control, let me be a Horse, (as it often does) Nathaniel please, let me be free.”

I finally got the message today. Go fly Heart, be free. I let go of control, Heart. You lead the way and I will follow. You show me what is real and I will believe you. You teach me, and I will listen.

The Heart is a lot like a Horse. You push too hard and get no results, but if you meet it halfway, creating a safe environment to flourish, it will blossom just like a Horse. Have you ever tried to control fifteen-hundred pounds of raw Power? The Heart will eventually stage a revolt if you keep it controlled for too long, either that or its Spirit will be broken. A Horse that has had its Spirit broken is a sad sight to see. The Heart is the same way.

Isn’t it about time we let our Hearts sing their tune, dance their jig and live by their rules? For this Horseman, it couldn’t have come soon enough.

Heresy

N. V. Dust — Sun, 16 Jan 2011 06:35:57 +0000

I was just reading my journal. I made a note of something that intrigues me today: Denying your Unique Self is heresy. It amazes me that we can be so foolhardy. To deny oneself? To deny God the chance to experience our Uniqueness? Yes, we are all interconnected. We are all the same, comprised of the same matter. We are also our own individuation’s of God. Unique and Special; Every man and every woman is a star.* We are doing ourselves and humankind a disservice by attempting to stamp out the differences between us. If we embrace them, we rise above them and become a more unified whole. There becomes no difference. If we struggle against the current, crushing our differences, we lose who we are. We lose God in the process. I’d much rather have a Cookie.

*Liber AL vel Legis 1: 3

Responsibility: Act One, Scene One

N. V. Dust — Thu, 13 Jan 2011 06:35:58 +0000

Been a while since I’ve posted. So much Transformation, so little time it seems. Life is so beautiful I hardly have words for it. I feel that way a lot; like I don’t have the vocabulary to express the Joy and Beauty in my Heart. Like I don’t think anyone in the World does. The Talmud says: We do not see the world as it is. We see it as we are. Profound words. If the only things we choose to see are negative, it might be time to look inside yourself. If the world outside ourselves is just a reflection, what is it you see? Misery? Unhappiness? If you are constantly judging others, what is it in yourself that you are running from?

I got tired of running a long time ago; and after I fell upon my knees from exhaustion, I decided that it was time to stop running and start taking a deeper look within. Time to start taking responsibility for everything in my life. Even the good stuff. Especially the bad stuff. I came to find out, there was no good or bad, it was all just stuff. My perception was the determining factor. My perception. If I could shift that, then the whole world could shift. If I could change, the whole world could change. If I could start seeing things as they were then I could effectively find a way out of here… The Truth is, I create my reality. No one else does. No one else can play God for me. It is my responsibility to interpret every phenomenon as a particular dealing of God with my soul. Not yours. Not his. It is my responsibility to love all things. Not hers. My responsibility to work in truth.

What is your responsibility?

The Oath…

N. V. Dust — Fri, 24 Dec 2010 00:25:21 +0000

1. I, Nathaniel Vishnu Dust, a member of the Body of God, hereby bind myself on behalf of the Whole Universe, even as we are now physically bound unto the cross of suffering:
2. that I will lead a pure life, as a devoted servant of the Order:
3. that I will understand all things:
4. that I will love all things:
5. that I will perform all things and endure all things:
6. that I will continue in the Knowledge and Conversation of my Holy Guardian Angel
7. that I will work without attachment
8. that I will work in truth:
9. that I will rely only upon myself:
10. that I will interpret every phenomenon as a particular dealing of God with my soul.
And if I fail herein, may my pyramid be profaned, and the Eye closed to me.

I am made to Endure extreme conditions.

N. V. Dust — Wed, 08 Dec 2010 07:19:49 +0000

It’s these plateaus that will be the Death of me. The peaks and valleys? The shit-storms and fecal-typhoons? The ecstatic bliss of the superlative consciousness omnibus? Yeah, I can swing that, like a Boy Scout of Awareness. The monotony that comes between the highs and lows… that’s where my true mettle is tested. Can I endure the flat line that comes between the crests? The tedium of the straightaway and the redundancy in the interim? Patience. The big P-word. If I have enough of that, all things can be forged. So I endure, I breathe and wait; learning to enjoy the silence as much as the cacophony and the ease as much as the difficult… and right now? It feels so good to be so easy.

No Words

N. V. Dust — Fri, 19 Nov 2010 18:16:10 +0000

A year ago yesterday was the mark of the first year in the deepest, most intense, expansive and beautiful initiatory experience of my life. I thought I would have so much to say about it. Turns out, there are no words to express my Joy. No words to express how much Gratitude I have for all the years I have spent on this Earth plane and especially the last one. No words…hell, maybe I don’t need em anyway.

V

N. V. Dust — Wed, 17 Nov 2010 07:33:09 +0000

The Lord bless me. The Lord enlighten my mind and comfort my heart and sustain my body. The Lord bring me to the accomplishment of my True Will, the Great Work, the Summum Bonum, True Wisdom and Perfect Happiness.

For as I desire these things for myself, oh Lord, I desire for the World to have them. And as I receive these things for myself, oh Lord, I give them to others. For as I am given, all are given. I do not hesitate to share mine abundance, nor mine light. For as I walk in thy Glory, oh Lord, all walk in thy Glory. And as I choose the way of Righteousness, the Path becomes as clear as mine Mind, Spirit and Body, oh Lord. And the wicked shall not fall before thy hand, but be lifted up in thy Mildness. And all shall know Bliss Unutterable in this life and the life thereafter. Amen.